Rachel's Blog

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Peer Review #3

Dear Ariel,
I enjoyed reading your paper, as I have with all of yours thus far. You approach your controversy from every angle and you do so effectively. As I mentioned before, I like your conversational style of writing. You write warmly and invitingly, and you make your audience feel as if you are sitting with them at a Starbucks sipping on a chai tea carrying on a conversation about housewives and working women.
From a technical stand point, I enjoy your sources because they add even more character to your style of writing. Your sub headings help divide your paper and make your sub-topics stand out. If you work more on your transitions, you will make the paper clear and it will flow much easier.
I perceive that, in this paper, you wish to convey that it does not make any difference whether a woman decides to work as a housewife or venture off into the business world. You seem to stand on neutral ground, and you put the choice in the individual woman’s hands. I feel that your paper has a decent balance between informative, narrative, and persuasive intent. You clearly offer us aspects of each side of the controversy, but you state your stance early in the paper and the rest of your paper gives examples of each side and how society perceives each of these lifestyle choices. I enjoyed the narrative parts about your aunt. As I understood your paper when I read it, you want to say that women can do just about anything they want and that the line between a housewife and a business woman becomes blurred because of women like Martha Stewart.
I noticed that you added some historical background and I believe that helps give your reader somewhere to start. You know what you are talking about and your writing reflects that fact. You need to work on your transitions from one idea to the next. Your paper felt choppy and the interruptions in the flow derive from your unclear transitions in a couple of sections. There were a couple of paragraphs in the Martha Stewart section where you repeated yourself. Did you do this to emphasize your point? However, your style engaged me and kept me moving from page to page.
You write with credibility because you know your topic and you use good sources to enhance key points in your paper. You also get to the point of your paper right away, and this allows the reader to sit back and relax while they read. I felt connected to your paper because I am a woman and the choices you discussed in your paper are ones that I and other women will need to make one day. You approach your problem head on and you grab your reader’s attention with your overall tone.
Rachel Powers


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